I’m a realist. At least, I try to be. I used to claim that I was born a pessimist, but eventually recovered. In the year behind me, I discovered that I, like all other new life, began as an optimist. But the fear of failure and harm was imprinted on me very early by my mother. As a very creative, expanded spirit, I struggled constantly against my father’s need to compartmentalize me as he does everything.
Always highly intelligent and outspoken..I often embarrassed my parents with my astute observations. At 5, the term ‘faux pas’ wouldn’t yet apply because I did not yet grasp the concept of social etiquette. However, at 7, I often feared I said or did something inappropriate and would worry myself sick with embarrassment. At times, I would attempt the art of filtering. But containment and restriction were far worse an ailment. Here I was, with no vocabulary word to define it..but utterly aware that I was defective. It wasn’t until the age of 10, that I turned my attention to defect toward the world around me. Pessimism served me well. Expect the worst of the world around me, and I no longer seemed so damaged.
I believe now, that I began to dabble in realism around the same time I discovered my secret power of manipulation. Yes, I was a young ling Jedi and the force was very strong with this one. Empathy and karma were the only things that kept me from giving in COMPLETELY to the dark side. Making the conscious choice to never invoke such power set off a series of switches. One must have been wired ‘big picture’. I realized that my force was just an ability. And, sure, I could strengthen my ability. But my power source lied within others.(Here i’d like to add: Pessimists were actually the EASIEST to manipulate. Realist, pose challenge, which made it more fun.;) And, there went the lights: I, too, gave power to outside forces. We are all susceptible, NONE of us immune, to all sorts of forces. It was here that I accepted the world and its inhabitants for what they..we..were.
So i settled into reality. Allowed it to consume me. Fought against it. Questioned it. Used synthetic catalysts(drugs) to escape it,embrace it, and blur its boundaries. Eventually, I evened out, so i thought.
The thing is. I have an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. Now, I know that the correct term for that which i truly seek is enlightenment. The difference? purpose, patience, passion….tangibility. <–my favorite baseword. Enlightenment is concrete faith. Something I spent most of my life KNOWING to be impossible. Look, my focus isn’t religion. But for the sake of example: if you had physical, undeniable proof that Jesus walked among us, would you then and there drop to your knees, do the alter dance, n accept Christianity as truth and go live out the rest of your life as instructed by the bible without falter? No. you wouldn’t. But when you go to the alter and bow down and let go of what binds you..you can FEEL WITHIN YOUR VERY BEING a power. An illumination. In that moment, and for as long as you can hold onto it, the concept of “wrong” does not exist. I do not dispute those who say that is the Lord’s light filling the darkness, but I do not label the power. Because no matter the force that compels it, the power is still my own.
So..reality so far IS restricted. And people can and will write me off as insane. Our shared reality identifies insanity as a defect. Einstein re-defined insanity as doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. Einstein sought knowledge but embraced enlightenment. Do tell, who’s final say keeps ME from re-defining reality?